urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pell_mell16 So I'll Scribble It Down Here and Hope. black_dragon555@hotmail.com Shelly 2038-01-19T03:14:07Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:pell_mell16:28028 2038-01-19T03:14:07Z 2038-01-19T03:14:07Z I read my friends posts and I wish I could see them as they write. I am alternately happy, mad, sad, ecstatic, lost, etc, as I read. I read the more opaque entries and take in the general feel of their posts and am often still worried or confused. I wish I could protect all my friends at one moment and am happy for their joys at the next. mixing so many emotions that I can never remember where one starts and the other ends and what they apply to. Maybe it's just because I am tired that it hits me this hard when I can't discuss peoples' posts with them, cuz in their opacity they clearly want privacy, and that is always something I respect unless they offer the info. I am just a bit lost in my head right now. <br /><br />It doesn't help that I am thinking and worrying about what I am gonna do with my life right now and how much i don't want to do what is expected of me. And I hate how I can never read my *own* emotions! honestly what is the deal with that!? I think i like someone and just when it begins to move forward I am all like *bam* just wanting to be friends so now I doubt and wonder about any crushes at all or even mild attractions and I am not sure hen its a full crush or when its just a "Hey, they're pretty." kind of thing. and I can't figure out how I feel about my future and life and a shit-ton of other stuff. *growl*<br /><br />on a mildly lighter tone (or not ^_^;) my back hurts. all over all the time. I move my arms too high and my muscles freak out on me and try to cramp. I can't sleep at night and can't bring myself to want to. and I am sore. I think I may be getting sick. my calf started to cramp and that is usually a good indicator of me getting ill soon. and my headaches never go away anymore. Ibuprofen and Excedrin and aspirin don't last long anymore and lights that aren't sunlight just hurt. they are so loud. but I am addicted to tv and movies right now and listen to music all the time. I used to listen less but I have upped my music time by a LOT. I like it, except for the worsening of the headaches, which the music also helps to distract me from.<br /><br />so, summary: everything in me can't figure out how to feel or why and how and for the most part is settling on hurting because it is easiest, I am so used to hurt that I can just ignore it most days.<br /><br />I do feel better in some ways. I got exercise, in the form of broom ball, which is crazy-fun. i want to dance and take classes and give my body a justification to hurt. I go crazy not taking classes. Improv and doing stuff by memory is not the same as taking a class and improving and getting stronger and wearing myself out for real. I miss it and can't wait to get back into it.<br />I am gonna go swimming tomorrow though and that should help. maybe I'll do that on my days off to relax. certainly sounds nice. I love swimming and haven't gone at all this summer. i used to swim at least twice a week in the summer after biking to the library (btw I miss having a bike that works). my summers were solitary but wonderful. now I just work a lot. but I work so i can fulfill my dream of travel which I am really excited about. and I enjoy having friends outside of school. it's also a pleasant change.<br /><br />ok, I think i've cleaned out my system enough. sorry.<br />night.