I Really Couldn't Say...

So I work at borders. in the cafe. Lauren has been sick and having to work. I have been sick and having to work. and having to close and then open the next morning for the past three weeks. My boss is on vacation for the second time in as many months (if I remember right, so  no guarantees there). I have to work from 1-10:45 on Halloween and then open the next morning. There are only five cafe people and two of us are available very limitedly. Boss is making me work long shifts because he can get away with it. I need the money but desperately want to quit. I ask for days off well in advance and get  a "well I can't really because it is ALMOST thanksgiving. too close to the holiday" I could really use a day off. I have school twelve hours a day and working for 9-10 hours a weekend day is draining. and I was sick just on Friday, still have a fever actually and had to work because there is no one to cover for us. Laura has an eye infection and it looked like pink eye. She had to work for three days before she was able to get off early enough to get to urgent care to find out if it WAS pink-eye. funny how our boss should have sent her away until it was confirmed as NOT pink eye because of how CONTAGIOUS pink eye is. I need the 14th off to go on a family trip but can't because of work. I fucking hate this. I need the money and really want to at least work through the holidays but November is going to be impossible for me to handle. I am already a mess and its not even Halloween yet. I am tired and sick and cried today for the first time in a year because of WORK. I feel like tears should be for something real, not this bullshit, but I am too stressed to do anything else. I am calling tomorrow to request an immediate leave of absence because of "family emergency." unethical but necessary. My grandma has cancer so I am gonna use that.  I need to apply for another school in the u to be able to do my double major and it has to be done by December because I am a junior next semester and so must have a declared major. I am falling behind in classes and spent most of last week out sick. I am even more behind now because of that. I am emotionally and physically exhausted and need time off.

So. Saturday. worst day  ever. although now i just think it was kinda funny now that it is no longer saturday.
first, I find out that my grandma was going into surgery monday and everyone BUT me knew this. (she got through it fine but now has to be there a few days.)
second, I ask Phil to not share my personal information with even just my little sister that is in fact my prerogative. He blows a gasket in my face because I am "pushy, secretive, etc"
and third,  I go to work and am feeling growly and not really paying attention (best way to shoot yourself in the foot.) So I fill a coffee stained pitcher with boiling water and cleaner to sit overnight so it will be shiny and clean in the morning. two seconds later I manage to knock it over and alllllll down my right leg. yay ER visit. hurt like a B$(*& (It no longer hurts. it's just ugly.  and kinda cool looking because of that. healling very fast. thank you Neosporin.)

on a happier note I have a lot of stuff to look forward to right now.
on Thursday I am going to the state fair to fill my self with greasy, unhealthy, grilled/fried goodness and then ride bad rides!
Saturday I may go to the ren fest. we'll see. would kick ass.
and soon school starts and I have really great classes and will be relearning precalc so I can take calc next semester with pysichs. so I can fnally get started on engineering classes.
I have Korean 1, Japanese 1, Biogeo of the global garden (aka slacker bio), tae kwon do, Ballet 3 and modern 3 (yes I am repeating both dance levels because in ballet the next level up is reserved for majors and I only had one semester of modern 3 last year and they want me to take on more, although if I get into the major I will get to take two days of level 5 a week, possibly.)
next semester I am aiming for physics, calc, tai chi, circus, and then continuing one language and modern and ballet. I may wait on tai chi for another year.
I am really excited!!!!!! And if you are in town this year you should check my note on face book (up soon, i promise) that will have my day by day schedule up.

feeling pooey. lonely and irritable and can't seem to shake the feeling that i forgot something really important that is coming up soon or something like that. it has been a constant itch for the past few weeks. Like I am missing a vital puzzle piece just when it gets necessary to have it in place.I just want to pull up stakes and leave. I am done here but I know that I can't because I have no money and no degree to get me a job where ever I end up and I would feel bad just leaving everyone and disappearing, no matter how much I have always wanted to do that. Becasue if I ever came back I would feel I had no right to try and get back in touch with all my friends who I just left and then I would be even more lonely because I cut the ties with my friends forever instead of temporarily. I can't even get up the guts to call my friends when I have been working adn unavailable for a week because I feel like they wouldn't want to see me.  Where did I get this unexplainable belief that people don't actually like me and only hang out with me to be nice? I have such a hard time believing that they do like me and then when I get busy with work (becuase work eats my life) I feel like I have no right to call them and come crawling back into their lives. why do i always feel like I shouldn't be peoples' friend or like they couldn't possibly actually want to spend time with me? I wish I knew what created this instinct so that I could squash it and then even if people did feel the way I think they do about me I could be blissful in ignorance. yeesh, I am pathetic.
night

Comment to this post and I will give you 5 subjects/things/words I associate you with. Then post this in your LJ and elaborate on the subjects given.

anime
this is one of my biggest obsessions. makes sense. ^_^

greece
The trip we took in freshman year o high school! pretty much the most fun ever, despite my pissing off the gods.....

beautiful
beautiful? cute maybe but I don't see beautiful. but thank you!

pseudomullet
oh good god!!!! that keeps coming back to haunt me!! first grade was a long time ago and yet people still bring that picture back!

wrestling
yay Dundon's class! always lots of fun! and the indian wrestling! *joy* I miss that!

(associations by tumblingwall)


ask and I will associate for you too!

Here is a story I began and posted to my DevArt. but of course with DevArt being all virus-ful I am re-posting here for feedback. I did manage to get one comment on my story before I had to leave DevArt for a while and will be posting the version edited using that comment and my own judgment soon.
so here is the first draft of my story. please if you read this leave comments. otherwise just pass over this. thank you!!! (ps. the final paragraph is separated form the others because I am not sure how much I like it and am hoping people will tell me whether or not to keep it.)

     The pale, bone-white fingers floated across the keys of the great piano. 
The melody that escaped the giant soundbox was quieter than seemed 
possible, so quiet that you had to hold very still and lean in close just 
to hear the threads of it drifting by. The quiet tune was beautifully 
rendered but heartbreaking for no discernible reason.
     The young man playing the large black piano was leaning into the music 
as if it held up his slight form. He wore a long black coat whose sleeves 
fell across the backs of his active hands, masking the deft movements as 
his floppy, dark brown hair masked his equally dark brown eyes. A wholly 
unremarkable boy, no older than, say, twenty-two; a face almost immediately 
forgotten as soon as it was out of sight.
     The dark house that sheltered the young man was large but rather 
uninteresting from the outside, further masking the beautiful melody that 
teased the people walking by, like a speck at the corner of their eyes. As 
people walked by, if they were quiet, they could almost begin to hear the 
song slipping through the house's screens. Most often, unaware and unable 
to actually hear it, they would keep going but with a feeling of regret, as 
if they had missed something very important. No one thought to look past 
the melee of a garden to see the large house that held the young man and 
his magnificent piano.
     The sound issuing from the piano was an unusual occurrence, as the 
occupant of the bench was not usually home. He drifted often, following 
this group of musicians or that one until the fancy took him to find a new 
path or to return for a short time before the inevitable yearning for new 
sights and audiences would draw him forth once again. The pile of mail on 
the small dining room table, all addressed neatly to a "Mr. Charles 
Friday," showed that he had just recently returned from a rather long time 
away. Slowly the notes changed and the sound grew as he warmed up to the 
music.
     Another unusual occurrence was the young woman walking, or rather, 
dancing past the large dark house just as the music blossomed. She usually 
drove the route her feet now carried her on but her car had chosen that day 
to stall and so she walked, or rather, danced home that day. Her pale, 
bone-white sneakers traced invisible designs on the cool grey concrete as 
she created a new dance in her head, her mahogany hair slowly slipping its 
bonds as her movement jostled it free.
     It wasn't long before she realized that the music she heard was no 
longer in her head but actually had a presence as it swirled across her 
path, making her pause in surprise. For some time she simply stood and 
listened as the song unfolded like a well-used road map. All too soon the 
music stopped, the ending lingering in the young woman's memory like the 
sweet aftertaste of honey.
     "Nada!"
     The voice calling her name broke the trance and she skipped forward to 
catch up with the impatient friend who was accompanying her home. The 
mystery of the remarkable music coming from the entirely unremarkable house 
she filed away for tomorrow. Perhaps she would walk home again tomorrow...
 
     Charles closed the piano top slowly so as to not shake the image of 
the beautiful girl, the one who danced to his music, loose. She had truly 
been a sight to behold. Her thin figure was well but lightly muscled and 
she moved with the ease of long practice. She danced like the embodiment of 
his music and he was entranced. As he sat there remembering a new melody 
began to build in his mind. Perhaps she would walk this way again tomorrow. 
If she did he would try his new song out for her.
 

So here I am. I am now in New York. I forgot how wonderful it feels to travel. .^_^. I am loving this place. The architecture is really fun and the people are cool. My cabbie was very nice and had lots of advice for me and Emily K. tomorrow we go to Greenwich Village to explore. so much to do and so little time! I feel wonderful and want to keep traveling after this trip is over! we went to see the Irish Hunger Memorial, which is a monument to the Potato Murrain in Ireland (potato famine). It was beautiful. If you guys push me I could post the pics I took there.  *joy* have good night and ttyl.

Can anyone tell me how to custom lock my entries? I see a lot of you doing it and I can't figure it out.  And maybe, if someone can help me put  borders around my entries in this theme I am using that would be amazing! cuz I can't figure out how to customize my themes any more than changing where the text boxes go. thx. 

btw, YAY for new userpics!! ^_^  *joy*

I read my friends posts and I wish I could see them as they write. I am alternately happy, mad, sad, ecstatic, lost, etc, as I read. I read the more opaque entries and take in the general feel of their posts and am often still worried or confused. I wish I could protect all my friends at one moment and am happy for their joys at the next. mixing so many emotions that I can never remember where one starts and the other ends and what they apply to. Maybe it's just because I am tired that it hits me this hard when I can't discuss peoples' posts with them, cuz in their opacity they clearly want privacy, and that is always something I respect unless they offer the info. I am just a bit lost in my head right now.

It doesn't help that I am thinking and worrying about what I am gonna do with my life right now and how much i don't want to do what is expected of me. And I hate how I can never read my *own* emotions! honestly what is the deal with that!? I think i like someone and just when it begins to move forward I am all like *bam* just wanting to be friends so now I doubt and wonder about any crushes at all or even mild attractions and I am not sure hen its a full crush or when its just a "Hey, they're pretty." kind of thing. and I can't figure out how I feel about my future and life and a shit-ton of other stuff. *growl*

on a mildly lighter tone (or not ^_^;) my back hurts. all over all the time. I move my arms too high and my muscles freak out on me and try to cramp. I can't sleep at night and can't bring myself to want to. and I am sore. I think I may be getting sick. my calf started to cramp and that is usually a good indicator of me getting ill soon. and my headaches never go away anymore. Ibuprofen and Excedrin and aspirin don't last long anymore and lights that aren't sunlight just hurt. they are so loud. but I am addicted to tv and movies right now and listen to music all the time. I used to listen less but I have upped my music time by a LOT. I like it, except for the worsening of the headaches, which the music also helps to distract me from.

so, summary: everything in me can't figure out how to feel or why and how and for the most part is settling on hurting because it is easiest, I am so used to hurt that I can just ignore it most days.

I do feel better in some ways. I got exercise, in the form of broom ball, which is crazy-fun. i want to dance and take classes and give my body a justification to hurt. I go crazy not taking classes. Improv and doing stuff by memory is not the same as taking a class and improving and getting stronger and wearing myself out for real. I miss it and can't wait to get back into it.
I am gonna go swimming tomorrow though and that should help. maybe I'll do that on my days off to relax. certainly sounds nice. I love swimming and haven't gone at all this summer. i used to swim at least twice a week in the summer after biking to the library (btw I miss having a bike that works). my summers were solitary but wonderful. now I just work a lot. but I work so i can fulfill my dream of travel which I am really excited about. and I enjoy having friends outside of school. it's also a pleasant change.

ok, I think i've cleaned out my system enough. sorry.
night.

GRAR!!!! I finally find a site with Deep space nine available for free and I find that they have three of the four parts of the first episode, meaning the story finally starts to build and poof! the vid stops and there is nothing else to continue onto!!!!! *cry*

Meh. I likes comics but I want to read real book. and right now have been craving good fantasy stories similar to Alanna and Peter and The Starcatchers. Any suggestions?

grrrr. hate myself and my teenage-girly-hormones-bleh!! Again I am dating someone fore ridiculously short itme and have decided that it may not work. *very* different reason this time tho. This time he wants to move WAAAAAY to fast. He wanted sex on the first night.. first night? seriously? i can't handle this! I like him a lot but this is too much and I DO NOT want to be another notch on his belt. I want dating and making out to be the romantic as well as the fun, not just the fun (and i will say the making out with him *is* fun, but then I kinda feel cheap, which is a big warning flag for me). *cry* why does everything go to shit for me? I am probably just gonna have to be single until college cuz that would be easier. And then no one is waiting when I go traveling for nearly six months. and then I can just enjoy my summer with friends. we'll see how that goes after I talk to him.




on a happier note: I found a cheap ticket to enlgand so now i just have to call my family friend and ask if I can stay with her in september or october for two weeks. and if I keep working a lot this summer I will be better able to afford all my trips. also i have just finished my very first charcoal drawing and it is pretty cool if I say so myself adn I want to do more. unfortunately that finished off the last page of my sketchbook and I must now go get another somewhere. soon or  i may die.

went to the sculpture garden today and i got  to see Cloud Cult from afar playing live. I love them!!!! and the view was amazing and I wanted my camera SO bad the entire afternoon because of it. Winnie got some pics on her phone tho, so that will have to do. I love minneapolis some days and today was one of them. I want to find more cool places like that this summer.
last thing, I am probably gonna be posting a lot more of my writing on my devart site for comments and if you have a devart you should give feedback and critiques. I may post some here too, who knows? 

urm. not so happy note at all: the brother of one of the Perpich Alumni was stabbed to death last night. he died at HCMC on the morning of the 18th. it was a totally random happening that has destroyed and family and when I heard about it my mind stopped working for about ten minutes. there has been too much of that happening recently. one example : day after break started a mother and her son were brutally killed about two blocks from my house. 









...why does this happen?

oh man!  I have boy trouble!  although I acknowledge that it *is* mostly in my head. ^_^;
 first I thought I liked one guy but then I went out with him for a night and discovered that, ya know, mebbe not so much, so after a kiss (which is when I realized the not so much part).  He was pretty upset. And now,not a week later,  I have a boyfriend. of course I didn't expect to realize that I liked him for real (instead of the "sorta" that i originally thought). now I have to figure out how to not look like a complete bitch to the first guy, cuz I do value his friendship. so now my brain overloads! urgh. also i don't know if my new guy knows I am bi. and I don't want to not have him know cuz that would be awkward.

On a happier note: I may be going to new york for the first time EV4R in mid-August!!!!! >o< 
 also, I have finally gotten more of a concrete idea to work with so I can write these three characters that have been bouncing around my head demanding to be freed. this freedom may or may not be a good thing. heh....
and to top it off, Kasper and I found an uncorrected proof from one of our favourite Authors and she bought it. but I am gonna read it first. hah!

 I wish I could spend even just twenty minutes looking through someone else's eyes and just seeing how they see and think about the world. Sometimes i feel trapped in me.

ya know, I hate that feeling like someone is missing. When i was little i used to find myself reaching next to me for a hNd that wasn't there, and then I would be confused (*why* was I reaching for nothing?) and sad for a bit, like someone really important was gone.  I still get that feeling, although I no longer reach for that hand that isn't there.  what *is* that feeling? I hate when i miss "them" so bad I have to curl up in bed. It makes me feel like a lunatic, cuz who would i be missing this bad? what scares me worse? I read a play by a british lady who was really badly clinically depressed called "4.48 Psychosis." Which talks about a feeling almost identical to what i feel. WTF?!  that just makes it more likely that i'm crazy. (she wrote the play and then killed herself a  few months later. the play premiered posthumously.  they called it a 75 minute suicide note.) creepy much? sad much? I wonder what kind of story this could make?

wow. I am writing on my LJ. cool. it has been very long. hi you guys how are you?  I am just dancing and working and missing everyone and dancing and working some more and pretending that my homework is not getting done very last minute.  tired out and should be in bed but instead wanted to write so am writing here, cus its been so long. also wanted notes on a beginning of a new writing piece. been tooooooo long since i have written anything worthwhile. man i missed it. so here goes.

oh, wait before I start my writing; have you ever seen those puddles with the glass-like covers of ice across them? and picked up a sheet of that ice and looked at the sun sparkle through it? prettiest thing ever! and then when the ice is all shattered and floating in the puddle the sound it makes when you swish the water is so perfect. I love the start of spring.
onto the writing:



Her shoes were wet. This wasn't really a problem - she was only going home - but it made her uncomfortable walking. It had been raining all day; clouds so heavy the city was covered in a badly-made parody of night. There was no escaping the puddles that had gathered all across the sidewalks like old women gossiping. Even the most skilled puddle hoppers had gotten a little of the weather in their shoes. And so, her shoes were wet.
 

Hi all! how r u? I am taking this last day of freedom to be artsy so i am updating my deviant art site more. please go look at it and leave comments? please?
truth? am actually semi excited to go back to art school.  I am hoping I can talk the photo people into letting me use the dark room if I bring my own supplies. I just saw this picture that made me want to go learn how to use the darkroom. omg it was gorgeous times a thousand. go see my siute ( http://blueseashell3.deviantart.com/ ) and see it in my favorites! lurve!

c u l8tr!


...guess who almost got the number of a 19 / 20 year old?      ^_^ hee hee just had to brag a bit.  I don't actualy care all that much.

guess who has a deviantArt page? Shelly has a deviantArt page! yay! she is blueseashell3. it's exciting! but she only has photos up cuz she has no scanner access yet. when that day arrives you will see drawing soo!  >o< woot!

ok all!  here is the info for theperformances in a clear and consice form.

Perpich: Dec 13,14 and 15. @7:30 (tix cost $8.00) (at Perpich in golden valley)

Young dance: Dec 16 @ 2:00. no tix necessary.  (at Barton, 43rd and bryant)

I would love to see you guys there!  also, please spread the word for me. I would really appreciate it.

luv! shelly





EDIT!!!!!!!!! you must call and reserve tix ahead of time for the perpich show! call 763-591-4700 
thanx